Cat and Dog Join Forces to Ban Easter Bunny from Home

Image credit: Mike Birdy via Stocksnap

Tim Gunn the two-year-old Siamese mix and Columbo the one-year-old Saint Bernard have joined forces for the first time in their lives. While their owners have hoped the two pets would live in suburban peace together, it was violent intent that brought the two together. For weeks, Columbo’s large heavily jowled head has been seen bent towards Tim’s small silvery head, as they have plotted how to destroy a mutual enemy: the Easter Bunny.

“If he hops his fluffy tail in here, I will eat him,” said Columbo.

“It is a well-documented fact that rabbits are unsanitary,” Tim added. “They don’t have the decency to use a litter box like a cat or the consideration to do their business outdoors like a dog. Also, they have fleas, which they then pass on to well-groomed domestic animals.”

“I bet he tastes like chicken,” Columbo continued.

“And he not only imports fleas, but brings in unhealthy foods that have been scientifically proven to cause both obesity and cavities in humans. Any cat can tell you that a fat, cavity-ridden human cannot fill a feline’s food bowl as quickly as a healthy human can,” the cat concluded.

Their research has consisted of watching Home Alone on repeat and analyzing which booby traps seem most reproducible. They have managed to collect materials for five booby traps thus far.

If booby traps fail, the cat has a second plan. Tim Gunn has been spotted pulling out Mastering the Art of French Cooking and leaving it open to rabbit recipes. It seems he would most like to see the Easter Bunny in a pâté.

The Easter Bunny was not available for comment.

Dog Learns It is Bad Manners To Film Action Movie in Dog-Sitter’s House*

When Columbo’s dog-sitter got home from a routine shopping trip at Target, she thought her house had been robbed.  A sofa was flipped over, and a large puddle in the hallways indicated that one or both dogs had an accident.  In the next ten minutes, she checked locks on all windows or doors and opened all closets to search for intruders before concluding that no burglary had taken place.

One Hour Earlier:

Columbo, the one-year-old Saint Bernard, was convinced he was the canine Chuck Norris and his big break in “the biz” was just around the corner.

“I was telling Lilley,” he said, referring to the dog at whose home he was staying at, “a dog just can’t wait for the right opportunity. He has to make his opportunity.  Which is why I thought of a YouTube channel.”

Lille y knew exactly where to find a videocamera in the home, so as soon as her owner went to the store, they set up the camera and began filming.

“Our story was to be told in several installments.  It’s about a dog –that would be me– with superpowers.  He’s just an ordinary dog, you see, until the makes the discovery that humans hide all the foods that would allow dogs to access their superpowers.  You know, the chocolate, the grapes, the onions, the stuff they claim is ‘poisonous,’ so we won’t become more powerful than them.”

When asked if his story was inspired by the Garden of Eden, he denied any connection, claiming he was inspired by age-old dog mythology.

The two dogs were taping their most action-packed scene –where Super Columbo realizes he has powers and zooms around the house– when they heard the sound of the car in the driveway, just as the sofa tipped over after Columbo enthusiastically launched off the sofa back.

“It wasn’t supposed to end like this.  We were supposed to wrap up filming and clean up any messes that had been created on the set.”

After Discovery:

When video camera was confiscated and the house put back in order, the dogs were put in the backyard, each of them insisting the other was guilty of creating the puddle in the hallway.

“I am not sorry we had big dreams and began filming.  I suppose it was a poor choice to do so in someone else’s home, without written consent.  In retrospect, I should have convinced my owners’ children to film and direct the film instead.”

*Sadly based off of true events.

Cat Forms Goal to Nap on Every Book in House

Michigan housecat, Tim Gunn, has declared his goal to sleep on every single book in his suburban home.

“It’s hardly the Library of Congress, but it will do,” said the two-year-old Siamese mix.

The cat enjoys sleeping on different types of books because he has a unique experience with each one. “Yesterday, I slept on a leather-bound copy of The Three Musketeers, and oh my Simba, it was heavenly. It smelled like an English lord’s library, and I dreamt of swordfights, castles full of secrets, and ladies in silk dresses. That’s the kind of book I prefer on a weekend when I’m feeling a little extravagant.”

Tim does not require that all of his books be leather-bound or even hardcover. “On Tuesday, I napped on a secondhand copy of The World According to Garp, and it was surprisingly enjoyable. It was the stuff of lazy afternoons with mugs of cocoa and the humans walking quietly around the house in fuzzy socks as snow falls outside.”

To date, his favorite book to slumber upon is in The Collected Poems of John Keats (“It’s like falling into a world where everything is intricate perfection”) and his least favorite is Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein (“No kitten should sleep on Frankenstein before his first birthday. It left me traumatized with a fear of both scientists and stitches.”).

The cat does not want to neglect a single book in his literary nap-a-thon. “I will dream of enchantments and magical creatures while slumbering on Harry Potter; I will dance through many a neighborhood ball while resting on Jane Austen; and feast upon green eggs and ham while dozing on Dr. Seuss.”

And when his goal is complete, will he pack up and move to the Library of Congress? “Why not?” Tim said. “I hear they could use a cat like me.”